Planet Earth: Zoo of Doom
by Aiyakiu
Summary: Even stranger things begin to happen around Skool and beyond all surrounding everyone's favorite paranormal obsessed doomchild, Dib, and incompetent alien invader, Zim. Grown from Jhonen's vague, unpublished concept.
1. Log 1: Meatbags and Green Men

_**Author's Note: Welcome to my first real fanfiction in around two years. This is a concept I've been toying with for over ten months now, and it just kind of flew to me when I was sealing envelopes. Don't ask, really, I just hope I can do this idea justice. Enjoy, and it never hurts to R&R me - it'll make me happy and give me the steam to keep on with this project.**_

_Have fun, and keep an open mind. Remember, this is ZIM fanfiction! (There are also two made up characters that you do not know. Please don't let that detract you from reading!)_

**Log 1: Meatbags and Green Men**

"This just in!" came the news announcer, suddenly interrupting Dib's obsessive taping of the same episode of Mysterious Mysteries for the third time. Dib groaned and let the remote fall from his big-headed hand - if he didn't tape it, he'd never see the Evil Space Monkey from Wisconsin ever again, as Gaz had destroyed his archives last week for throwing out the last bit of mold-infested pizza. Dib had cried that it was slimy, and Irken in appearance - Gaz had rebutted his arguments with severe blows to the skull and unspeakable curses of death.

"Well, it can't be more important than the Space Monkey," said Dib grudgingly, talking out loud once again for no apparent reason.

"The crackpot cult 'The Swollen Eyeballs' has finally been disbanded," came the cross-eyed reporter excitedly. Dib fell out of his seat and landed with a dull thud.

"What!" he cried, clutching the TV and shaking it rudely. "WHAT!"

"BE QUIET!" came Gaz's screech from the kitchen, "Or do you need me to come in there and-"

"SORRY GAZ!" apologized Dib quickly, wishing only that she would shut up long enough that he could hear. How could this have happened? Was it all a joke?

"The Swollen Eyeball Society has long been blamed for the paranormal attacks on many public places, including the local garbage dump," continued the reporter feverishly, "and has long been condemned as the reason for our President Man's failure to recognize a cheese grater from tissue paper. The captain of the police force had this to say regarding the raid..."

"I think that the eyeeeballs are just SPOOKY!" spat the policeman slowly, a small drop of drool oozing down the corner of his mouth. "If it weren't for them, our country would still be allied with the Pig Men of America, as well as the strange mutated harlots in the downtown district. I liked them mutated harlots."

Dib shivered. It couldn't be true - would he be next? Did the government know about his membership with the secret society? How had they been discovered anyway? The Swollen Eyeballs were some of the most brilliant minds of the generation, it seemed so foolish to even think that the whole ordeal was over. Humankind had lost his greatest band of warriors to a bunch of idiots who thought the Pig Men weren't out for human flesh. But they were. THEY WERE.

"DAD!" shrieked Dib, running into the kitchen as quickly as he could. His father was standing at the toaster, shoving what looked like blue tentacles down the bread slots and writing obsessively on his clipboard.

"What is it, son?" asked Membrane dramatically. "Have you been enlightened by REAL SCIENCE?"

"... Sure," said Dib, eyes narrowed. "We'll go with that. ... Dad, no one came looking for me, did they?"

"Oh," began Membrane, looking up at the ceiling and scratching his chin, "just a few intelligent-looking men in white coats holding up a straitjacket. Don't worry - I simply explained that you were insane, and they left in their little caged car..."

"Wait, what?" stammered Dib, his eye twitching.

"Oh, and I gave the nice men your little moldy balls made of cheese as a going away gift."

"... My... Wait. You gave them my space rocks from the Planet Battle between me and Zim?"

"Oh, yes, I forgot..." said Membrane slowly, digging into his pockets, "your little green friend with the red eyes came over earlier. He told me to give you this."

Membrane dropped a small something into his son's hands along with lint and a paperclip. Dib looked at it curiously, and suddenly, he felt a great electric shock fly through his body. Dib was certain for a moment that he smelled the stink of burnt hair.

"GAH!" he yelled, dropping the small moose toy the size of a penny. "... DAD! THAT'S A GENETIC PATTERN-RECOGNIZING ENERGY EMULATER!" He painfully pulled a splotch of dead skin from his face. "Zim did that on purpose! He coded it to match my genetic structure so he could give me mass quantities of electrical-induced agony!"

"Don't be ridiculous, son," dismissed Membrane quickly, turning back to his toaster, "it'll be another thirty-eight years before we come up with that technology. Now go back to your room or something. I MUST FIND THE SECRET OF LIFE SO THAT I MAY FINISH MY PROJECT DU-!"

"... You do that," Dib said sarcastically, suddenly noticing that he seemed to have suddenly contracted a massive case of dandruff from dead, burnt skin. He kicked the small moose electric circuit into the living room, shocking his foot and shrieking aloud as he did so.

--

The next morning, as Dib opened his locker - which smelled strangely like rotting fish today - one of the girls from his class came up to him. She stood behind him for a while, and it was only until Dib was annoyed enough to turn around and yell at her for snooping that she spoke up for herself.

"You're molting, did you know that?" she said slowly, putting her hand on his where the last of his peeling skin was. She pulled it off of him so fast that Dib felt as if someone had taken duct tape to his big head and removed it along with all his hair and a piece of his scalp.

"GAH, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" he yelled, jumping away from the strange girl as if she had burnt him. "That hurt!"

She held up the thin strip of skin as if examining it. "Yes, yes, it's true what they say," she muttered. She looked at him with intense curiousity.

"You're very weird."

"Thanks!" he shouted, turning around and storming to Ms. Bitters' classroom angrily. The nerve of some people! It was one thing when they sat on his head, but this... This was RUDE!

He took his place at his desk, still fuming, rubbing his sore hand for a good while to ease the pain, but only irritating him more. Zim walked in just before the bell rang, and Dib decided that this was his opportunity to confront him - after all, there was never a bad time to try and force everyone to see what Zim really was.

He jumped in front of Zim's desk, eyes narrowed, watching him intently. Zim's eye twitched.

"What do you want, Dib-human?" spat Zim, meeting Dib's glare with one of his own.

"ADMIT IT, ZIM!" shouted Dib accusingly, pointing a waving finger at the invader's forehead, "ADMIT IT!"

"Sure, I admit it," Zim replied lazily.

"AD-wait..." faltered Dib, lowering his hand slowly. "You do? Just like that?"

"I admit that you're stupid, and have an incredibly big head!" shrieked Zim, standing on top his desk and pointing at Dib's overlarge cranium with a threatening gesture. "HOW DOES IT GET SO HUGE!"

"NO, NOT THAT!" cried Dib, shoulders up and shrieking so loud flecks of spit were flying from his mouth, "THAT YOU SENT A MOOSE-SHAPED GENETIC-PATTERN SHOCK EMULATER!"

"I did no such thing, human," spat Zim cooly, sitting back down at his desk. "You're crazy."

"DIB!" hissed a dark, shadowy voice from behind the human's gaze. "Your desk. Before I feed you to the rabid ferret running loose around the school."

Dib stepped back to his desk at Ms. Bitters' orders, dragging his feet, but not without shooting an angry glance at Zim before doing so.

At the back of the class, two girls eyed each other, whispering feverishly, and shook their heads.


	2. Log 2: My Friend, Secret Agent Moose

_**Author's Note: Thank you for the feedback on the first chapter! I apologize for the fast pace and short paragraphs - I will try to keep that to a minimum. Please keep on sending me those critiques - I could use some guidance. I apologize for this short chapter. I'm currently very excited about Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince due out tomorrow night.**_

_Enjoy._

**Log 2: My Friend, Secret Agent Moose**

It seemed like ages before the bell rang, signaling the long-awaited end of the 'Skool' day. Dib felt even more annoyed at Zim - more than usual, if it were possible - and kept his eye on the incompetent invader every second, breathing loudly and whispering to himself about possible plans to enact revenge. Once Ms. Bitters had commanded them to flee from her presence, the children in Dib's class ran down the stairs and into the open air, shouting about the miserable weekend that happily laid ahead of them. Dib, however, could only focus on the stomachache from being repeatedly shocked - and forced to shed multitudes of dead skin - and Zim only, and the idea of a horrible two full days dealing with Gaz's incomplete revenge and his father's ignorance of the truth barely crept into his big head.

The same strange flesh-tearing girl skipped out of the door behind him. Dib barely noticed, and only glanced up when he was rudely bumped to the side as the strange female and her new friend walked past him. He growled to himself. The human race would thank him someday.

Zim, however, could only wonder what terrible plans - terrible as in stupid, of course - that Dib was thinking of. The Irken invader watched his human nemesis for a few moments, but quickly turned his gaze elsewhere as he sidled to the back parking lot, out of the view of the other stinkbeasts that Zim so wanted to destroy.

He held up a foul-smelling piece of paper where a hasty note had been scratched to him. It smelled like humans. Zim shuddered. The note only instructed him to come alone, and in secret, to this very spot. Zim stood behind the school wall and looked around suspiciously. This 'Secret Agent Moose' could be another stupid plan on Dib's part.

"Ah, Zim, you got my message."

Zim whirled around. In the shadows - almost completely invisible to someone who paid absolutely no attention to his immediate surroundings - stood a figure that was entirely human in appearance and in scent. She stepped out of the shade, tucked her brown hair behind her pierced ears, and grinned at him.

"So, Invader Zim," she said quietly, "let's get straight to the point."

"Invader?" exclaimed Zim in surprise, staring at the meatbag with incredulity. "What are you talking about?"

"You're a horrible liar, Zim," said Secret Agent Moose quietly. "You're Irken, and you can't fool me."

"Oh, really?" said Zim, his eyes narrowing. "And how have you come to this conclusion? Your skin smells of pig, and you reek like the stupid man-beasts that you are! How dare you pick on Zim? ZIM IS RULER!" Zim flailed his arms in emotion.

"I'm going to be blunt with you, Invader Zim," said Moose. "There's another Irken in this school. Her name is Invader Zerk, but she is not on a mission from the Armada. In fact, she happens to be on the run from the Armada, and she has horrible plans for this planet. In fact, I know that being destroyed and ruled by the Irken race would be far better than the plan she has in store for us," Agent Moose finished, folding her arms and glaring at Zim defiantly.

"Another invader?" questioned Zim curiously. He thought for a moment. "Why should I believe you, you filthy human?"

"Because both our futures depend on it, Zim," Moose pressed urgently. "My race, and your mission. Both hang in the balance. I thought you wanted to destroy us all, and give the Earth as a present to your Tallest? If Zerk gets her way, we'll all lose."

"What is this ingenious plan of Zerk's?" said Zim, rubbing his hands together.

"I'll help you," said Moose, as if that ended the conversation. "I'll meet you at your base in one hour to discuss what we should do. Dismantle your security system and make sure your gnomes aren't still faulty."

Zim stared as she turned around and disappeared back into the shadows. It was a moment before he realized what had just happened. His eyes boggled, and he began to shout loudly, and quite rudely at that.

"HOW CAN YOU DARE INVITE YOUR STINKING SELF TO ZIM'S AMAZING LAIR! HOW CAN YOU KNOW OF MY GNOMES? MY GNOMES OF DEATH WILL DESTROY YOU ALL!"

An old lady passing by with her walker stopped and stared at Zim unblinkingly for a few moments. Zim returned her gaze with a spasm in his eye.

"I'M NORMAL!" he shrieked, and he turned around and began to run home as fast as his Irken legs would take him. He wasn't too sure of what he though thought of this Secret Agent Moose, but perhaps her information was useful. And if there really was another Irken planning to steal his precious planet away from him - well, there was a reason to trust this human filth. And, anyway, Zim would just dispose of the stinking manbeast later. He really had nothing to worry about - except, of course, to make sure that this other Invader didn't ruin his plans for Earth conquest.


	3. Log 3: You're Not Alone

_**Author's Note: I intend on making this chapter far longer, and hopefully the trend will continue. I finished Half-Blood Prince early Saturday afternoon (would have been morning had I not fallen asleep - how shameful!)**_

_Please read and review as I continue on so that I know it's actually interesting somebody. I realize not much has happened yet, and I've been pretty mediocre, but constructive commentary always helps! Thank you._

**Log 3: You're Not Alone**

Dib threw his school things unceremoniously to the floor of his room. It was rather messy - there were posters of his favorite paranormal beasts, unfinished experiments, and multitudes of unsorted notes scattered about on the floor, all focusing on Zim and his plans for Earth destruction thus far. Dib figured he had the most extensive collection of true alien information on the planet now, especially since the Swollen Eyeball society had been disbanded and thrown in the asylum. He was working on a new brain for Tak's old ship - the Irken one just wouldn't do, and uploading his own mind into the machine had been a complete and utter failure. His mind was just too amazing for a machine to handle, Dib thought, and resolved to slowing building one himself.

He absentmindedly rubbedthe raw, healing flesh on his hand. If that stupid girl hadn't been so intent on showing Dib what he had already knew, he was certain the skin would have flaked off itself, and he wouldn't be smarting nearly this much. Dib made a mental note - by mental, he wrote it on a Post-It and glued it to his laptop screen - so as he could remember to hardwire the shock emulator to get her instead, or at least wreak revenge on Zim's pathetic attempt.

"He's such a bad liar!" Dib cried aloud, adding another piece of information into the personality matrix. "Honestly, as if any idiot couldn't see right through him! I still can't see how no one thinks his green skin is weird! And his lack of ears! HE HAS NO EARS!"

Dib angrily pounded on the keyboard as he typed up the last characteristic for the night. He was making such a racket that he didn't hear someone knocking gently on his door. When the stranger got no reply, it let itself in and stood carefully behind Dib's angry figure, who was powering down his computer and allowing Tak's ship - soon to be completely his own - to rest and absorb the new information he had just completed. It wasn't until a pale hand had covered his mouth and thrown him from the chair that he actually paid attention. Dib shook his abnormally large head to clear his vision as he lied there on the floor, and looked up at someone who looked extraordinarily anodyne. She wore a slightly crazed grin beneath her hooded eyes, and had the slightly sinister look of someone who had a whole lot more inside her than out. Other than that, she wasn't dressed strangely - no more out of place than Gaz was - and didn't seem all that threatening.

"What was that about!" cried Dib angrily. He was certain he had seen her before - in fact, he was sure she was one of the girls that sat in the desks behind him, one of the girls who often whispered aloud. He could remember only one other thing - he never recalled her calling him stupid at any point, and that certainly was a plus for conversation, if she hadn't just rudely broken into his room and kicked him out of his seat. She sat in the spindly rolling desk chair instead, looking down at him as if finishing her own impressions of him silently, and took a few minutes of glancing around before she spoke.

"Dib, I apologize for my rude interruption," she said quietly, crossing her legs as if she were some sort of CEO at a business meeting, "but I was afraid you'd do something stupid, and I cannot let you make judgments about me before I've had my chance to explain things."

"Explain things?" asked Dib loudly, his eyes bulging. "You just came in here and violently pushed me out of my chair! What's to explain - you think I'm crazy too, is that it?"

"No, Dib," she said seriously, glancing out the window as if checking for eavesdroppers, "I think you're quite sane. In fact, you're the only other human I can talk to about the Irken threat, as everyone else thinks there is no difference between a known alien and a boy with a skin condition."

If Dib's face showed any inkling of the excitement that ran through him that moment, it would have scared this strange visitor to the point of insanity. A million questions began to form in Dib's mind - but before he could utter a single word, the way she glared at him made him close his mouth at once, and he knew it wasn't the time to wonder about how she had come to realize the truth, just as he had. Nevertheless, Dib could have screamed for joy - and probably been sent to the asylum anyway by his slightly worried father figure.

"I recently confronted Invader Zim, as we call him, on another matter. I intend on visiting his base within the next twenty minutes to investigate and - there isn't another word for it - spy. You see, I've recently found that there is another Irken invader at our school by the name of Zerk, and, you see, both are very dangerous and need to be apprehended."

"You're inviting _me_ to come?" asked Dib incredulously. "Of course you are! I've been in his base thousands of times - I'm sure you want to hear all about it..."

"I'm sure you've been in there a few seconds every now and then," said the stranger quietly, "but you've never had much class in the matter, have you? Idiots must be approached with extreme stupidity... So much stupidity, that it becomes intelligence. I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about... Yet, that's why I've come to you, Dib. You're not alone." She sat back in the chair lazily, her eyes roaming every inch of the ceiling, glancing into every corner.

Dib leapt up. "I can help you! I know his greatest secrets - we can stop him once and for all! And this other Invader... She can't be any worse than Zim!"

"How wrong you are," said the stranger wisely. "Zerk is different, but different isn't always better." She fumbled around in her pocket, and pulled out a small business card. "Zim knows me by the name of Secret Agent Moose. I want you to refer to me as Az."

Dib took the card, still buzzing with a thousand questions he wanted to ask this intelligent classmate. He glanced around as if attempting to attain inspiration on how to voice his next few words. "What do you want me to do now?"

"Now that the Eyeballs have been destroyed," said Az slowly, "it's up to the two of us. Dib, I want you to get the smallest surveillance camera with input and output modes you can from Membrane's lab. Get one that doesn't send much of a signal so Zim can't track it. I'll leave it in Zim's base so we can keep an eye on him as we finish Zerk off as well."

"Who is this Zerk?" asked Dib, leaping up, his hand on the doorknob. "How come I haven't heard of her before?"

"She's a whole lot more adept at hiding herself," Az said, glancing around Dib's room again. "But don't worry. Everything will turn out fine."

Az stood up from the chair, and as silently as she had walked in, began to take her leave. She didn't seem to notice, Dib realized later, that a small moose-shaped trinket had fallen from her pocket. He hoped that it hadn't meant anything to her - there wasn't anything particularly remarkable about the squeaky toy, and he hadn't realized it until she had left. He tossed it onto his shelf of junk which faced his desk and laptop computer. He didn't feel like working on the ship tonight - instead, he wired the monitor up to receive signals from the small camera and began to watch. He was sure Az didn't know it was turned on yet, and this way, he could figure out - or at least had a better chance - of finding if Az was really as trustworthy as she claimed she was.

Unfortunately, she had thrown the little penny-sized camera into her pocket, and Dib could only see darkness. Occasionally he heard a humming noise - Az must have been singing, because occasionally he heard her high-pitched voice talking aloud, but it was never loud enough for him to hear clearly. He scribbled down a few of the things that she said as she was on her way to Zim's house, but it was nothing peculiar. Just something like, "dumb, sign, and moron" - but those weren't words Dib hadn't heard before.


	4. Log 4: You Have a Date!

_**Author's Note: I wrote the first part of this chapter and the one previously on the same day. I'm having internet problems and is running very slowly, also not showing me the stories I've already written. (The eldest of which I will delete in mere seconds, if I get the chance). Please R&R, and let me know if you're enjoying it, hating it, throwing spoiled food at your monitor, or any other reactions you might have to this piece of writing. i'll appreciate your critiques, small or in-depth!**_

**Log 4: You Have a Date!**

"There is someone at the door!" said the computer voice warily, focusing a camera on the new arrival. Secret Agent Moose's figure was projected onto the giant screen located at the basement of Zim's underground base. Zim chuckled darkly. He knew this stinking, pig-smelling human would show up soon, and he was about to figure out absolutely everything he needed to know - especially how she managed to crack Zim's amazing, fool-proof information blanket. How had she known that his gnomes were amazing security devices? How had she found he was truly Irken, and not an amazing, green-skinned, earless meatbag? Zim had to know these things - he rubbed his gloved hands together in an evil, plan-making fashion.

He rose from the trashcan regally, hands clasped behind his back, as he walked with high steps towards the door. Moments before his hand grabbed onto the doorknob, his stupid robot sidekick, GIR, leapt from the ceiling and landed headfirst in front of him and sat that way. GIR looked at his master with a curious, upside-down grin.

"Who's that?" he asked in his quick voice, pointing towards the door.

"Just a stupid human," said Zim, stifling a yawn. GIR leapt up and looked through the super-special security "peep hole."

"OOO!" he said, his robotic eyes wide and mouth gaping open in a foolish smile. "YOU GOTS A DATE!"

"A date?" asked Zim inquiringly. "I don't know what you're talking about, GIR. Now GO BACK TO THE BASEMENT!" he ordered, pointing at the trash can rudely. "BEFORE YOU'RE SPOTTED!"

GIR grinned and began to walk to the secret entrance to the base. He chuckled happily. "You got a date," he repeated, and skipped towards the can, running offbalance with his arms flailing about as he did so. Zim watched his robot slave go with raised eyebrows. There was something deeply disturbing about that robot. He would have to take another look at his schematics later. Perhaps it was the overly-advanced technology - that would explain why GIR's model did not resemble the basic SIR unit at all.

Zim made sure GIR was out of sight before opening the door to his super amazing, secret base. The human was standing in his doorway, hands her pockets, looking at Zim with grim determination in her eyes. "Invader Zim?" she questioned as she stepped over the threshold.

"Of course it is ME!" shouted Zim hurriedly, slamming the door behind her. "No one else could be as amazing as Zim! It is not possible!"

"Right," said Moose, rolling her eyes. "This is your base, huh? I figured you wouldn't be one for the spooky, neon-colored monkey paintings, though," she observed, looking at the green-faced ape painting with highest revulsion. "But I suppose we have to be wrong on some occasion, don't we?"

"Sure-fine-whatever," said Zim, walking back towards his trashcan portal. "What Zim is about to show you might make your TINY HUMAN MIND EXPLODE WITH THE GENIUS OF IT ALL!" he cried, waving his arms as if to relate just how amazing everything beneath the ground was, "but we'll just have to deal with that. Come, stinking pig human."

Moose carefully stepped into the trashcan as Zim instructed and rode the little miniature elevator down to the lowest room in the base - Zim's control room, complete with a handy popcorn maker and various weapons ideal for destroying the human race. Agent Moose looked at everything with a bored expression and leaned against one of the supercomputers as Zim walked into the room behind her, seeming to be expectant to hear her amazing shouts of awe and wonder. When these didn't come - and Agent Moose was staring at him with bored eyes, leaning against the computer with her hand at the monitor's corner - Zim resigned himself to get the information from this human as quickly as possible, and to dispose of her vaporized body later.

"This fellow Irken, Zerk," said Zim slowly, eyeing the certainly untrustworthy human carefully, "what are his plans? Why has he come to MY planet? How is that YOU know of my amazing secret disguise, and obviously, this Irken's as well!" Zim's now red-eyed, contact-less eyes bulged. "TELL ME!"

"First of all, Invader Zerk is a girl," said Moose, stifling a yawn as she sat down on one of the many extra commanding chairs Zim had set up for himself. "And _her_ plans, rather, tell of such a gruesome tale for all the universe, and the honest truth of it all, once you hear it, you will understand why destruction is better than Zerk's plan for the human race."

"Better than obliteration?" said Zim, confusion etched in every part of his slimy green face. "How could this be? Perhaps I could steal Zerk's amazing plans, and call them my own, and then dispose of this other Invader in secret, throwing her planet-stealing brain into space, along with the Dib-human and this horrible-smelling Secret Agent Moose..."

Zim seemed to be quite caught up in his own planning at that moment, and seemed to be quite unaware that Moose was there as well. She glanced back up at the computer monitor and smiled - the tiny camera was completely functional and attached. She winked, knowing Dib was listening closely at the other end, and then proceeded to continue talking - over Zim's babble, if she must.

"Zerk is cunning and intelligent," said Moose wisely, eyeing the camera out of the corner of her eye to make sure Dib could hear every word as well. "She believes humans are amazing creatures, albeit stupid, and wishes to enslave the human race in some sort of universal preserve, a zoo, if you will. She wishes for all of the universe to realize how amazing the humans are, create amusement parks in our species' honor... Now, Zim, you can see why we both loathe this idea."

Zim shuddered. The human race revered, looked at with _glory_? Zim couldn't imagine the concept. He became extraordinarily grossed out just thinking about it, and it enraged him that some random Irken had flown to his planet in order to save the human race from Zim's amazing destruction, to create some sort of sickening, pig-smelling zoo of all the Earth creatures, to protect it from Operation Impending Doom II? Zim couldn't see how the Tallest would ever have thought it was a good idea - Zim would have to do some research in the Irken archives about this "Zerk."

"So I'm hoping that you will aid me in destroying her?" said Moose, hands in her pockets again. "I certainly think you'll be more apt at stopping her horrible plan. I'd rather see the human race obliterated in a mass of raging, awesome fire, than enslaved in a zoo for the galaxies to gawk at. I'm sure you'd agree, Invader Zim."

"I have to hand it to you, human," said Zim, smiling so wide his eyes were closed shut, "you're very clever and wise for your stupid race. Only a true manbeast of intelligence could choose my amazing plan over Zerk's horrible one."

"Yup," said Moose in a bored sort of voice. She stifled another yawn. "Exactly, exactly why I came to you. And if you're wondering about how I figured out you were an alien," she began, raising her voice the loudest she could, "then I think it's only fair to tell you that I listened to that Dib kid."

"DIB!" shouted Zim angrily, his gaze lost in the inner recesses of his mind where he kept all his evil "destroy Dib" plots and ideas. He momentarily imagined Dib with all his organs outside his body. That made Zim happy.

"Until next time, Invader Zim," said Moose, and she walked back to the elevator - GIR was now sitting politely on the floor at Zim's orders, waiting to "escort" her back outside and far away from the evil security gnomes. The elevator doors sealed, and GIR looked up at the human with curious robotic eyes - she seemed rather bored again by the whole ordeal and, this time, yawned as loud as she could.

Glancing down at the little SIR unit - which was still looking at her with a creepy, unfaltering gaze - Moose pulled a small microphone communicator out of her pocket and placed the device in her ear. "All's well," she confirmed. "Zim's base is under our surveillance. I hope we'll find out exactly what we need to find out."

Secret Agent Moose placed the communicator back into her pocket - GIR still watched her, a drop of drool oozing from his mouth - and walked out of Zim's home without any hesitance. She didn't like it much - it smelled pretty badly in there, and GIR seemed to be missing a few bolts inside his internal intelligence matrix. Once outside, and on her way down the street, Moose grinned, and began to laugh.


	5. Log 5: What We're Looking For

_**Author's Note: Please read and review, guys - especially review! I haven't gotten any feedback in a long time, and it would be nice to know if absolutely anyone is following this. At least they could offer some constructive criticism, yes? So even if your review consists of "great!" or "shut up, this stinks," I'll still appreciate it immensely. **_

This is going to be just a tad bit short, this time.

**Log 5: What We're Looking For**

Az watched the monitor carefully, making sure every word that she overheard was being recorded. She tapped a few buttons on the strange device, reflecting the dim light in that room as only things of such high technology could do. She glanced back through the other bits of data the hidden camera and microphone had picked up, but there hadn't been anything yet - nothing that concerned her, anyway. She had hacked into Zim's computer system and had taken an extra copy of GIR's schematics - she couldn't make heads or tails out of the little blue sheet of paper, but it had been a source of great excitement for her current roommate. Even then, the two of them were building a new SIR unit - one based off GIR's internal wiring and personality matrix - except tuned down in terms of stupidity, but not by much. Zerk felt the whole ordeal of having a stupid unit was quite entertaining.

"Have you found anything?" asked Zerk, glancing over Az's shoulder. She looked at the bits of encoding that made up another computer system - but nothing in those files held any record of any importance. There were a few mentions of certain scientific activities - something named 'Pig Mouth' or other - but it just bored Az, really.

"Nothing like you said we'd find," said Az, jumping to her feet. She walked to the kitchen doorway and glanced back at her friend with a smile. Zerk was just as green-skinned as Zim was, although far taller. Her antenna had piercings through like earrings, and she had a small scar under her eye. Other than that, Zerk was probably the friendliest Irken you'd find anywhere in the universe - or so Az thought. The human leaned against the kitchen doorway.

"Want anything?" she asked, nodding towards the alien-esque fridge.

"No," said Zerk matter-of-factly, taking her turn at the controls. Zerk's underground base was decorated just as normal as any other human household, although with far more screens and whirring equipment. There were also strange posters of squirrels taped to the inches of wall where no wires or monitors were fastened, and a little moose figurine that 'mooed' when you squeezed it.

"I'm getting pizza," said Az, opening the fridge and pulling out a pizza they had ordered five weeks ago, perfectly preserved. She threw a couple slices onto a plate and walked back into the main room to look and see if Zerk found anything. This time, she glanced over her shoulder instead.

"Nope, it's not in this part of the database," said Zerk irritably, pounding a the keyboard just a little harder than was required. It didn't make her too happy when she failed to get what she needed out of a machine - after all, the Armada had considered her the best mechanic in the whole universe.

"Are you sure it's there?" asked Az, sitting down beside her friend and tearing an overlarge slice of pizza between her fingers. It steamed as if it had just come out of the oven. "I mean, are you certain of what you picked up in the airwaves when you were flying around this part of the galaxy?"

"I'm certain," said Zerk, snatching one of Az's pizza slices and stuffing it into her mouth. "As Professor Membrane said - grand scientist, might I add - it's the only qualities in humankind that gives it a chance of survival." She mentioned something that sounded like "dumb," although Az was starting to get rather sleepy and was hardly paying attention anyway.

"I have to go see Zim tomorrow, right?" asked Az, stifling a yawn. The rest of her still-steaming pizza seemed to realize it was not going to be eaten, and the plate picked itself up and flew into the fridge - the door, of which, had miraculously opened as if welcoming an old friend. Az watched the mechanical feather duster clean the fireplace mantel - the actual fireplace now sporting a hologram of Bloaty the pig, sitting amidst a bright green fire that might had been made of goo, rather than extremely-excited particles. Occasionally, the computer voice would substitute something in Bloaty's looping commercial with words of its own design. Az was now listening to an old folksong about the joys of the wild plains and anchovy-and-mushroom pizza, as Bloaty drooled and attempted to dance around a drooling horde of children, all of whom were drooling about Bloaty's new drool-worthy menu addition. The green "goo-fire" flickered merrily, and occasionally threw up a few bubbles with a deep belching noise.

"We'll have to keep his eyes away from what we're doing for now," said Zerk, still hacking through computer files as fast as she could. She groped for something around the laptop, not taking her eyes off the screen, and a gloved hand closed around something small and rectangular. Zerk flipped a button and pointed it at the fireplace.

The green goo-fire was replaced with flames of deepest purple, and every now and then, little fishes leapt from one side of the grate to the other, singing haikus as they emerged, and silenced when they were back out of site. One fish seemed to be quite intent on sharing wisdom concerning giant gnats, and what to do if you find yourself in a hungry multitude of them, especially if they're trying to dip you in soy sauce.

"What about Dib?" asked Az, curling up with a pillow in her arms. "What do you want me to tell him?"

"He's on observation for now," muttered Zerk, still working madly away, "but keep his trust. After all, we've got to keep him where we want him. But once we find what we need, we can finish what we've started. It's a shame we got the Swollen Eyeballs incarcerated," she added, "they were fun to mess with."

Az was snoring peacefully now, and Zerk seemed to think it best to let her human friend sleep. After all, no one was better than Lieutenant Zerk of the Irken Armada with machines and computers, and if anyone was going to find it, it would be her. She worked best alone, anyway. She clicked through a few extra files with photographs of young children, one of whom seemed to be using a rattle quite violently on the other.

Then, she found a piece of information which looked quite promising. It was stuffed in an overfilled Recycle Bin. She restored it to a place she could open it, moved it to a folder amongst things she knew would never be deleted, and continued to read it with excited, red alien eyes.

"_This is it_," she whispered excitedly. "It'll take a week to get through all this, though…"

Sure enough, the file was over three hundred pages long, in tiny type, single-spaced, in codes and cross-references abound. Slowly, Invader Zerk began to decipher it. The fishes in the purple fire continued their poetry.

_Do not fret because_

_You will not be lead astray.._

_Soy sauce is your doom._


	6. Log 6: The IRS Man from Beyond the Stars

_**Author's Note: R&R. Is there anything more to say than that?**_

I left my plan tree at home, so I'm praying I don't have to end up rewriting all this…

**Log 6: The IRS Agent from Beyond the Stars**

Zerk had been working very hard on figuring out what the whole project file meant - so much so, she hadn't even bothered to don her holographic human self and go to school that Monday. Therefore, Az was left alone during this next, crucial step for their plan. The human race might die, it was true… but that wasn't the most important thing. No, the most important thing now was allowing Zerk to do what she did best, and for Az to continue manipulating Zim and Dib together. She just hoped she had the wiles to keep both sides trusting her for now.

Ms. Bitters was in a foul mood. Little Billy up front had taken a visit to the "underground classrooms" after asking if he could take a trip to the bathroom. Another girl had been shoved into a closet because she had coughed once. Zerk's - or her human name, Erkz - seat was empty that day. No one besides Az seemed to have noticed. Dib thought Erkz was an annoyingly silent European who whispered in the back of the classroom. Zim thought she smelled like pork.

The recess bell rang, and the classroom children fled silently into the bright sunlight, where their teacher could not follow them. Az fumbled with a small receiver and whispered a few chosen words into it, and glanced at a tiny pocket television with the weight of a feather. From a high shelf, the moose toy/secret camera in Dib's room whirred to life. There was nothing there, which meant KIR had not be hen finished yet. Perhaps Zerk was still too caught up in the project essays.

Az walked over to Dib - who was sitting atop a crumbling stone wall, eating his sandwich halfheartedly but watching Zim with intent, narrowed eyes. She climbed up beside him and stole his moldy potato chips. He didn't notice.

"Have you ever felt powerful before?" asked Az offhandedly. Dib - quite surprised as he was jerked from his moment of intense spying and concentration - almost fell from the wall. He realized his sandwich - clutched tightly in his hand - was now not only oozing peanut butter over his hand, but flies seemed to have eaten half of it while he hadn't been looking. He retched and tossed his lunch onto the dying grass below. The sandwich seemed quite pleased to be on the ground - at least the flies were, and the ants that were swarming it. Dib wiped the peanut butter off his hand and added the napkin to the garbage heap below.

"What do you mean?" he asked. "No, though, not unless you count the lasers in Tak's old ship. That's pretty nice and empowering."

"Never mind," said Az, eyeing the potato chips before consuming them. "It was just a question."

Zim, however, seemed to notice that the human he knew as Secret Agent Moose was eating lunch with his mortal enemy, and idiot pig-human that he had been conspiring against. Zim was filled with rage and distrust, and he ran over to the wall and pointed a threatening, accusatory finger. His eyes were bulging so wide his human-eye contacts might have fallen out.

"MOOSE-HUMAN!" he shrieked, still waving a gloved Irken finger in ultimate anger. "HOW COULD YOU ALLY YOURSELF WITH SUCH STINKING FILTH! I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DESTROY THE DIB-HUMAN! You LIED!"

Dib's gaze snapped from Zim to Az, turning from an evil glare of ultimate loathing into an evil glare of ultimate distrust. "What!" he shouted. He stared at Zim again. "You idiot, she was plotting against you the whole time! We BOTH were! We spied on your base-"

"What is this LYING!" Zim shrieked, waving his arms angrily. "Dib-human, we have your destruction all figured out! We have cameras in your home, hacking into your database-"

Indeed, both were right. Az had given Zim her best ideas on how to destroy Dib in the most painful and horrifying way possible, while she had advised Dib on the best way to reveal Zim's innards to the government's secret police force. She flushed a bright red.

Both stared at her, and both Zim and Dib shouted in unison: "HOW COULD YOU!"

She was saved the trouble of answering, however, by a new visitor on the playground. He was far taller than anyone else any of the others at the school had ever seen - he made the Tallest, Zim suddenly realized, seem as short as he was. The stranger made Dib feel, if possible, even shorter than he was already. Az's stomach plummeted.

He was wearing a black trench coat, and the shadow from his hood obscured his features so that no one could tell what his face looked like. He seemed hunched over - like someone who had spent too much time planting and harvesting a garden - and had a bright white, gnarled hand protruding from the overlong sleeve of his outfit, clutching a short walking stick. He was breathing in rasps, his chest heaving with each gulp of air, as if the air were far too thin for him.

"Excuse me," he said in a raspy, professional voice, "I'm from the IRS." He handed a small business card to a curious child with a jump rope. The card simply said "IRS" in big bold red letters.

"I'm looking for a young girl who goes by the same of Erkz, possibly European," he said, taking a quick glance around the playground. "You see, she recently overpaid us, and now we're having to track her down as to give her back all the money we owe her. You might know her - she's quite good with… with computers."

The child was silent, still staring at the business card, quite certain that he had never seen an IRS worker before, and thinking he was, possibly, the first to have done so. Most workers for the IRS simply took the taxes out of your paycheck, or - if you were in the hospital, say - took a few pints of blood instead and counted you even.

The IRS worker began to walk towards the stone wall, making scraping noises across the grass as if his feet were dragging beneath the long hems of his black trench coat. He seemed to lean far too heavily on his walking stick, as if the small thing could combust under his sheer weight. Zim stared at him, and the IRS worker seemed to stare back - that was the direction the hood was pointing, anyway.

"Zim of Irk, under exile from home planet, coded as fast food worker on Foodcourtia but under delusions of being an Invader. Threat: Absolutely none," said the IRS worker automatically.

Zim's eye twitched. "Absolutely not," he dismissed, pretending to look shocked at how the IRS man had identified him - which was easy, because he honestly was, although the reason being truth instead of gibberish - and he pretended to yawn. "What you say is madness, complete madness - WHO TOLD YOU!"

He leapt up and clutched the IRS man's hood and pulled, but it didn't come off. "WHY DO YOU SAY SUCH THINGS!" he shrieked. "… Of course, you'll entirely wrong, entirely wrong. I am no Irken, I am normal. I am a normal pig-smelling humanoid." Zim loosened his grip on the IRS man's hood and jumped down, but not without another quick glance at him.

"You know Zim's an alien?" asked Dib, staring up at this stranger in complete awe and confusion. "But how? Who are you really?"

The IRS man didn't answer, but stared at Dib for a while.

"Subject: Unknown, genetic scan - human?" he said, somewhat unsure at his information. He eyed Dib up and down. "Affirmative - human at base level. The rest of the genetics seem to be skewed - a stupid mutation?"

"HEY!" argued Dib, quite offended, "who are you calling dumb…" He turned around and looked where Az had been sitting a moment ago. She was gone. He looked back at the IRS man questioningly once more, and opened his mouth to ask him once again.

"How do you know Zim's an alien?" he repeated, suddenly growing excited. "Did you know there's another one? Her name is Zerk - she wants to turn Earth into a zoo!" he said, quite proud. He was sure this was no IRS man - he was probably a government worker from Area 51. Dib felt quite intelligent at that moment.

"You know about Zerk?" asked Zim, rounding his questions on Dib this time. "I suppose Agent Moose told you that as well? … WHERE IS HER BASE? We're both intent on destroying her, then?" Zim seemed rather negligent at this idea of having to fight - albeit apart, yet on the same side - along with Dib. Yet if it meant securing his destruction of the human race… Zim was quite certain that Dib would agree that total annihilation was better than being thrown in a universal reservation park.

Dib didn't answer, and neither did the IRS man. He turned around and began to drag himself to wherever it was he came from - Dib hadn't seen a car, that was true, but he doubted secret agent Area 51 militant men would travel about in avehicle for everyone to see. All Dib knew, however, was that Az had been playing both sides.

Or no side, come to that.


End file.
